The NFL offseason is in full swing and the gas train is moving full speed ahead all over the country. I know you sitting there full of hope, dreaming of watching your team lift that trophy next February, but it’s not going to happen G. Your lil team doesn’t have a chance in the world. Trust me, no matter who you root for them boys is trash bro. Not every team is in the same boat. Some of yall players is trash, most of yall coaches is trash, and every single one of yall front offices is trash. I hope you don’t plan on operating any heavy machinery today because you finna pop 30mg of honesty.
Teams Who Front Offices are Trash
Indianapolis Colts – The Colts are trash AF. Their medical staff is a group of ex-Nazis still using methods we haven’t seen since the Third Reich to heal Andrew Luck’s shoulder. They turned Andrew into the Markelle Fultz of the NFL and the only reason they still have a job is because the Colt’s owner Jim Irsay is Lil Pump’s xanny plug. I’m not even sure if he’s come down enough to realize Luck didn’t play last year.
Oakland Raiders – Bruh the Raiders are trash. They just hired a career .500 coach just because he won one super bowl, with an all-time defense, against his former team. The next time we heard from Jon Gruden he was yelling SPIDER Y BANANA on ESPN3.
San Francisco 49ers – This front office is trash. Handed Jimmy G the bag after he played 5 games and now that he won 5 more against teams whose season was already over they think he’s the future. They played themselves. There is no reason to watch this team unless Richard Sherman is at the podium after the game.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – The Buccaneers are trash for making Jameis Winston play behind an offensive line made up of three layers of dryer sheets twisted into a braid.
Denver Broncos – Yooo the Broncos are super trash. John Elway cut Brock Osweiler and tried to convince that terrific defense that Trevor Osweiler and Paxton Osweiler was enough to win it all. Now they’re getting ready to roll out Case Osweiler whole time Kaep still out here better than all of them put together.
Carolina Panthers – If the NFL was a race to be trash, the Panthers were at the back of the pack a couple years ago. Since then they’ve caught a second win and willed themselves into contention for first place. I honestly didn’t even know what category of trash to put them in. I guess that makes them recyclable trash. We knew the owner was racist when he asked Cam not to get any tattoos so don’t act surprised at the recent news. I also have an update from the Black Delegation on the continued exile of Mr. All-Lives Matter himself. It reads as follows. “The Quarterback of the Carolina Panthers will hereby be referred to as Cameron Dakota-Newtonstein until he apologizes to the Black Delegation. Failure to do so will result in more and more of his talent being locked away deep inside a trap house basement.”
Jacksonville Jaguars – The Jaguars are the trash you throw into the garbage can yelling “Kobe!” as you miss. I was rooting for these imbeciles but then they went and did the most idiotic thing I’ve ever seen and handed Blake Bortles a contract extension. It seriously would have been smarter to go sign Johnny Manziel. That’s how bad Blake is.
Minnesota Vikings – The Vikings are attempting to leave the trash label behind. They shook the norm gave out the first ever fully guaranteed contract in NFL history. The problem is they gave it to a man who’s never beaten a winning team in his life. This team now has two years max before it falls apart because they can’t pay everyone. Good luck with that.
Atlanta Falcons – The Falcons are hella trash. Coming off one of the best offensive season ever, this front office’s best plan to replace departing offensive coordinator Kyle Shannon was to hire an alcoholic. That’s not a joke. Steve Sarkisian lost his job as head coach of USC for drinking on the job. Drunken uncles everywhere have renewed their dreams of making the NFL. You can hear them at family BBQ’s swearing through large Rick Sanchez-like burps that they’ve developed an unstoppable offense that rivals the Greatest Show on Turf.
Teams Who Coaches are Trash
Seattle Seahawks – The Seahawks are really trash. They sacrificed their defense to pay Russell Wilson to run in a circle for 15 seconds every play because they haven’t realized an offensive line full of fat guys from outside of Home Depot is a bad idea.
New York Jets – The Jets been trash bro. I’m 100% sure they spend draft preparation trying to figure out how to put the most talented players in the most useless schemes. The only thing stopping them from being the Browns is that they don’t try to outsmart themselves. They’re too dumb too.
Cleveland Browns – The coaches in Cleveland are garbage. Hue Jackson is a breathing index finger pointing blame at everyone but himself. He’s a so called offensive guru who has no more excuses left if the Browns don’t show improvement this year.
Buffalo Bills – The Bills are highkey trash. These coaches allowed racist fans to run off the best QB in years in Tyrod Taylor, even though he led them to the playoffs while throwing to Colt Cruise and a pack of bronze Madden cards. They thought they could do better but were quickly proven wrong when Nathan Peterman famously replaced Tyrod, only to throw six interceptions. They soon corrected their mistake after halftime but it was too late. We woke on them.
Washington Redskins – The Redskins are so trash it makes me angry. They really squeezed the life out of Robert Griffin III and for that I will never forgive them as an organization, crew, and a label. Have fun going 4-12 with Alex Smith you bums. Kirk was trash too.
Miami Dolphins – It’s almost sad how trash the Dolphins are. Offensive line full of first round busts. Wide receivers playing quarterback. Best players getting cut. We can’t even be sure the Dolphins know what sport they’re playing.
Green Bay Packers – Mike McCarthy is trash my guy. He has one of the most talented QB’s of all-time but his scheme is so basic every play dissolves into a scramble drill. Mike McCarthy draws his plays with those infomercial secret message markers and then pours lemon juice on his whiteboard 30 minutes before kickoff so his players can see.
Tennessee Titans – The Titans are big trash. It took them this long to figure out Derrick Henry was better than DeMarco Murray? Throw the whole staff away.
New England Patriots – The NFL’s best secret is that the Patriots are indeed trash. They got outplayed by Nick Foles of all people. How they weren’t kicked out of the league after allowing Foles to channel Kurt Warner AND Torry Holt in the same game I will never know.
Kansas City Chiefs – Boy the Chiefs is trash. I lowkey think they racist for trading Marcus Peter. Plus, Kareem Hunt is a one hit wonder. That man fell off faster than Mims.
Houston Texans – The Texans are trash for having the audacity to tell us that Tom Savage was better than Deshaun Watson at the beginning of last year. Bill O’Brian clearly has no idea what he has at quarterback. For the sake of Watson’s career, I hope Houston gets a competent coach before it’s too late.
Teams who players are trash
Cincinnati Bengals – Andy Dalton is trash. He should never have even made it to the NFL. That soulless ginger couldn’t hit the side of a stationary rocket ship. Luckily, AJ Green will always get his fingertips on the ball no matter how bad Dalton misses. He’s still not better than Julio tho relax.
San Diego Chargers – Phillip Rivers is super trash. He honestly believes the point of football is to lose by 3 points. I’m deadass! Just ask him. He thinks he’s the greatest of all time.
Arizona Cardinals – Sam Bradford? That’s who yall rolling with? Yall might as well bring in Mike Martz himself to play quarterback if you want someone who’s leg is gonna snap during the coin toss. I hope they find a gem in the draft because Larry Fitzgerald is going to have a legitimate workman’s comp case against the Cardinals if they don’t find him a quarterback soon.
Baltimore Ravens – The Ravens couldn’t be more trash. They have the most brittle receiving corps ever and their quarterback is a walking out of warranty Juggs cannon.
Chicago Bears – These bums. How yall lazy asses just gonna steal the Cubs logo? We see it you’re not fooling anyone. Then they have the nerve to have the bro Kyle Fuller playing on this sorry excuse for a defense. The Bears linebackers might as well work toll booths on the weekends the way they let people into the second level.
Dallas Cowboys – The Cowboys are beyond trash. Without Zeke they are basically the Browns because Dak Prescott and Deshone Kizer are 100% the same quarterback.
Pittsburgh Steelers – Ben Roethlisberger is not simply bad on the road. HE IS A PROFESSIONAL POINT SHAVER AND I DON’T KNOW WHY NO ONE HAS NOTICED THIS YET. EVERY YEAR HE THROWS 4 PICKS AGAINST THE RAIDERS OR TITANS OR SOME SHIT!! THE ONLY EXPLANATION IS THAT HE IS THROWING GAMES!!!
New Orleans Saints – The Saints are problematic because they support elderly abuse. Drew Brees is 29 passing attempts from a nursing home and they just agreed to pay him $50 million. I fully expect Brees to wander off during a game this year, causing a citywide search for the 39 year old quarterback.
Detroit Lions – Matthew Stafford is a white Daunte Culpepper. That’s an insult btw.
New York Giants – Goddamn the Giants are trash. They’ve literally had a walking corpse at quarterback for the past three years and the only reason it’s worked at times is because Odell Beckham Jr. practiced voodoo to get that good. Eli Manning is the most washed active Quarterback in the NFL.
Los Angeles Rams – The Rams are trash too. With the exception of Todd Gurley, that entire offense should just have “McVay” written on the backs of their jerseys.
Philadelphia Eagles – Yall thought a Super Bowl would save yall from the slander? FOH these boys are basura. If it wasn’t for Julio slipping on that goaline play no one would even remember your sorry ass team from last year. This city will never see another ring. EVER!
Everybody Trash, Forreal.
This season is going to be filled with ups and downs for everyone. The good news is that one of these sacks of garbage is actually going to win the super bowl. Don’t get ahead of yourself. This won’t mean your team isn’t trash. What it does mean is that for a few days you will get to peer out the top of the trash can, smell the fresh air, and spit on the lowly teams at the bottom of the can wrestling with the maggots. That, my friends, is one of the best feelings in the world, and the magic of the NFL.