I’ve always said you can judge a person by 1. Their shoes (because no self respecting person wears a Sketcher); 2. The five most recent photos in their camera roll; and 3. Their email usage.
About a week ago I came across this article that compiled work clap backs and it got me thinking about my own email exchanges the corporate shade I’ve witnesses thrown each day. A battle reserved only for the truest word warriors, email war is real and how you clap back when the time calls for it, can make or break your professional reputation. Forget throwing bowls, real thugs use their words and kill everyone in the “to” and “cc:” lines softly. So in honor of every trigger finger that’s had to circle back on a reply all chain, here’s my favorite, shadiest, bound to never go out of style email clap backs.
Per My Email
The world would be such a better place if people paid attention. I heard it all before and actually I sent it all before Barb. Today ain’t the day to get brand new and act like the search field in your inbox is now broke. You remember the scene in “The Five Heartbeats” when Big Red reminds Bird that his office hours are 9-5? That scene and this line are one in the same. More than a friendly reminder, “per my email” is basically the opening act to “s**t’s about to get real.” I’ve sent the freaking file, answered your initially dumb (and still dumb) question and have equipped you with everything you need to know to have a great day. I’ve basically done your job for you so why are you still in my inbox?
Side Note: Bonus points to the true and original gangstas who not only will reference an earlier email, but will then roll the cart into the back of their co-worker’s ankles by re-forwarding. You’re the real MVP.
Carbon Copies and Reply Alls
Ok, reply all and cc: can get tricky. Sometimes an audience is needed to witness the BS, and sometimes you’re playing dress-up as Petty LaBelle and simply want the entire accounting team to know Brian’s invoice had the wrong date, just for kicks. Whatever your motive, just know someone is leaving the chain wounded and Brian will hate you until the holiday break.
The real question here is why couldn’t you do it yourself? You asked for this, not me — and everyone needs to be clear about that. If by chance the ish gets real, it’s recorded in writing and saved in the universe that I simply did what YOU requested. Therefore, I cannot and ‘bet not be held accountable for whatever pops off as a result of your inability to handle your own situation.
Circling Back, Following Up, Checking in Here…Basically Anything that Requires You Having to Ask the Same Question More Than Once
*Translation* Ni**a I’m not asking again.
You’re not that busy. Well, maybe you are because creating new company letterhead is oh-so time consuming. But it’s cool. I love repeating myself, particularly if it allows me to virtually b**ch slap you by proving in writing how terrible you are at your job.
On the flip side, it goes without saying that being on the receiving end of this, particularly on a group email, is the equivalent of that iPhone emoji smacking itself in the face, for what I suspect is the realization that they did not take out cash for offering and must now give God seven cents for all of the wonderful things He has done.
I Just Want To Make Sure We’re All on the Same Page
Because someone on this email is hella dumb and it ain’t me so…
Truly a boss phrase. You’re not asking for input here. Instead you’re acknowledging that someone’s lack of leadership and sheer bi**hassness has caused an enormous ripple effect that you now have to step in and amend. And so because of that, you’ve officially been crowned the HNIC.
Any updates here?
Hello? It’s me. I was wondering if after all this time you had a freaking update.
Drop the mic, turn off your computer and Sherman Hemsley the hell out of the office because you my friend have had enough and will not deal with the BS any longer. Punctuation has power and ending with a period is the quintessential f**k off to all involved. Think about it. Happy people exclaim, basic people in basic moods tend to gravitate toward commas, and period people, well they have no f**ks to give to you, your momma or you inbox. If you happen to be on the receiving end of this, just know the conversation is over. For your own good, start a new chain and try again tomorrow.
This story originally appeared on Adore Colour.