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So many people say “you can’t be friends with your ex” and let’s be honest, sometimes they’re right. But I don’t think that always has to be the case at least in my opinion. I have ex’s I am friends with. I also have ex’s where we can barely stand to be in the same room together.  But I say all that to say this, you can be friends with your ex, but you might not be able to be friends with every ex. Here are the top 8 ways to know you’re not ready to be friends with your ex from someone who knows (trust me on this one).

You’re not ready to be friends with you ex if……

1. You are still fighting….. in public

Obvious right? Right. Yet we still see those ex-couples out and about arguing over something that happened so long ago and that’s not changing. Some of us have even been this ex-couple.

If you can’t control and settle your past differences while in public setting, then quite frankly how could you even attempt a friendship. If you’re still fighting in public, save yourself and EVERYONE ELSE the trouble and just stop trying to be “friends”.

2. One person still has feelings for the other

Not much explanation needed here. If one person still has feelings for the other, no matter how much you want it too, the friendship will not work out. The tension will grow and grow until one day it explodes.

3. You don’t assume positive intent

This is a big one for me. If you think your ex is always out to get you, being passive aggressive, manipulative, or always subtweeting you, y’all should not be friends.

Although some things may be about you, their world does not revolve around you just as your world does not revolve around them. If you can’t accept that sometimes things have nothing to do with you or your ex is not trying to intentionally get back at you, stop playing yourself, kid. Key signs that trust isn’t there. You shouldn’t be friends.

And if you do feel that there is some passive aggressive tension, and you do not feel comfortable bringing it up in a respectful manner and talking it through with the ex without it causing a huge argument, don’t call yourself friends or grown ups.

4. You haven’t fully healed

If you are still hurting, let yourself hurt. You can’t force a friendship. Just because you are still processing or working through some things doesn’t mean that you will never be friends. It just means that maybe you shouldn’t be friends right now.

You are allowed to take some time to work through things on your own. Don’t bully or push yourself. You don’t need to put a time limit on when you need to be healed either and you damn sure shouldn’t let you ex do that either! You take all the time you need. If your ex really wants to be your friend, they will give you all the time that you need to be your best self again.

5. If you can’t separate the friend from the relationship

One thing I personally think is essential in being friends with your ex, is being able to separate the person that they were in the relationship versus the person they are now. People are evolving.

Once you are able to accept that the person that you dated is different than your new friend, I think you will be able to start over and have a genuine friendship where you are not rehashing old grievances.

6. If you can’t be happy that they are happy

If you can’t be happy that your ex is happy, you’re not really friends. You’re just pretending to be friends. There are many reasons why people pretend to be friends with their ex, maybe it’s to save face or protect another interested party like mutual friends or even a child, but if secretly you really want your ex to suffer, you and I both know what that means.

This especially includes if they end up in a new relationship. Them moving on to a happy relationship, does not mean that you will not have that. If anything, it’s the opposite. It’s proof that your time is coming up and if you are wishing bad on your ex at any point, it’s a pretty safe bet that you aren’t ready to be friends.

7. If you want it to be just like the old times

If you want it to be like old times, then you need a time machine. Although there might be times that remind you of “back in the day”, it won’t be the same simply because so much has happened since then. Once you can accept the fact that it won’t be like the old times, you can start to appreciate the present.

8. You don’t want to

Often times, I feel like people get pressured into being friends with their ex. Because they want to prove that they’re “mature” or “over it” or might simply just want to save face or keep the peace. Listen, it’s perfectly okay to not to be friends with your ex.

If that’s not something you want, don’t do it. Even once you processed and essentially let your hurt go, you can still decide not to be that person’s friend. Do not let toxic people in your life. I’m not telling you to continue to be petty. Learn how to be cordial, but also set boundaries. Don’t be ashamed of not wanting to be their friend because if you feel that way, it’s probably for a good reason.

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